I started tracking my cycle a couple months before we were married and we got down to business right away (too much??). I used Fertility Friend - the free version of the app and I really liked it. If you're looking for a way to track your cycle, I highly recommend checking it out.
I tracked for a few months and had the "what if's" in the back of my mind the whole time - what if I can't get pregnant naturally? what if my missed period is just from the stress of our cross country move? what if I never get the chance to be a mama? Oh, I prayed, y'all. Prayed that God would grant me the deepest desire of my heart, even though I didn't deserve it. Some may say tracking ovulation and sex takes the romance out of things but it really helped me get to know my body better and really...when you love someone this act will always be about love.
My period was late in March and I told myself I had to wait a week before testing. I took a pregnancy test on my birthday - March 12, 2015. It was positive. I kept the secret to myself all day. My husband brought home a bottle of wine that night and I informed him that I wouldn't be drinking any for the next 9 months. He gave me a blank stare for a good 30 seconds and then - CLICK! - he shared in my excitement.
The next few weeks were uneventful. We told our families and close friends, and saw the little baby on the ultrasound screen. We were having a baby!!! I was on my knees every morning and night thanking Him for the sweet blessing of motherhood and dedicating this baby's life to the Lord's work. That may sound crazy but I was completely overcome with Hannah's story in the Bible and how she pleaded with God for a son.
Then week 11 came along. I started bleeding a little bit - more than spotting but not quite as heavy as a period. Ultrasound was done. Blood work was done. Everything was normal. The baby was growing well (90th percentile actually) and the placenta was intact. Nothing to worry about, my OB told me.
I began bleeding periodically after this. At first it was every couple weeks and not heavier than a heavy period day. There was no cramping and no signs of fetal distress but I knew something wasn't right. Some days the bleeding would start when I was sitting down reading a book and other days after I had been active, but more often than not I would wake in the middle of the night because of it. As the pregnancy progressed, the frequency and amount of blood increased.
Every time I called the doctor or went to the emergency room to get checked out and every time the answer was the same - the baby looks great. At 15 weeks my OB told me that my odds of miscarrying were less than 1% and I should stop worrying.....
At 18 weeks I flew down to Texas to see friends and family, hoping that the trip would take my mind off things. My husband and mom were convinced I was overly stressed and the trip would do me good. I didn't feel stressed or anxious but I was excited to go south for a bit.
By this time I had been bleeding every 3-5 days and the flow lasted a couple days as heavy as a period. I didn't bleed at all the first week I was down there and I began to think that maybe the issue had resolved itself. My dad and I took a short, slow walk (maybe 1/2 mile round trip) that evening - no bleeding. Two days later, however, I began bleeding heavy and it wasn't letting up. My parents insisted on going to the emergency room and I obliged - I was going through a heavy pad every hour at this point.
The emergency room staff did all the same tests. Baby looked great on the ultrasound - no fetal distress. Blood work looked great. Placenta looked great. They really didn't know why I was bleeding or where it was coming from. The bleeding tapered off and I was able to get on the plane the next day to go home. I began having cramping during the flight and I was just praying to get back home.
Over the next 36 hours I went into the ER 2 times, desperate for someone to help. I ended up delivering the baby on June 27, 2015 - a stillborn baby boy at 20 weeks and 2 days. We named him Barrett, which means "warrior" and oh, what a little fighter he was!
I went through all the stages of grief over the next few weeks and posted this on my facebook page about a month after losing him:
I have come to understand in the past few weeks that there is a deeper meaning behind Philippians 4:13, and it’s completely dependent on the three preceding verses. I went into early labor on June 26th at just 20 weeks pregnant. Needless to say, our precious baby boy did not make it. Although our loss is viewed as a late term miscarriage, it was our baby, our first born—the baby we prayed for and then over—and words cannot describe our feelings of sorrow and loss.
I have been gracefully reminded the past few weeks that our pain and suffering is always for the Lord’s glory. Although I still don’t understand how in this situation and maybe I never will. But I do understand that our sweet baby wasn’t meant to stay with us, he was always meant to be God’s. “…all the days ordained for [him] were written in your book before one of them came to be.” PSALM 139:16
Barrett Walker Burken was born on June 27, 2015 at 5:07 am. We held him for hours and talked about who he would’ve looked like: he had my nose and round face and possibly my high cheek bones. Barrett would’ve resembled Dirk in stature: broad shoulders, big hands and feet, long arms and legs.
We are so blessed to have had 20 weeks with Barr- to hear his heart beat, feel his kicks and rolls, see him sucking his thumb on the ultrasound. And while we never would have imagined this to be part of our plan, it was the Lord’s—and He always knows better than we do. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” ROMANS 8:28
“You have given me life and steadfast love, and your care has preserved my spirit.” JOB 10:12
Sometimes we aren't meant to know a baby on this side of heaven and as much as it hurts, we carry a piece of them in our heart forever.
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